The Downward Penrose

Boom. Fired. Unemployed again. Not impressed.

penrosed-down:

Today I started meds again. I also found out that I might have fairly bad liver problems. I lost my phone a few days ago, the one thing that grounds me if I’m away from a safe zone. My anxiety has been fluctuating to extremes for the past few months, and my depression has been creeping up for a while now.

My life is drinks and unmentionables with my favourite people, I’m having fun and enjoying the escape. I know I should take care of my health, but I can’t. Getting through is far more important.

On a side note, I’ve never been more fit? And I’m eating healthily? Oh, and I haven’t cut in like 18 months.

I also feel more alone than I ever have in my entire life. But I don’t want to admit that.

Day 2 of new meds. Curled up in a ball feeling like shite. Seriously hope this wears off before my 13 hour shift tomorrow.

Today I started meds again. I also found out that I might have fairly bad liver problems. I lost my phone a few days ago, the one thing that grounds me if I’m away from a safe zone. My anxiety has been fluctuating to extremes for the past few months, and my depression has been creeping up for a while now.

My life is drinks and unmentionables with my favourite people, I’m having fun and enjoying the escape. I know I should take care of my health, but I can’t. Getting through is far more important.

On a side note, I’ve never been more fit? And I’m eating healthily? Oh, and I haven’t cut in like 18 months.

I also feel more alone than I ever have in my entire life. But I don’t want to admit that.

July

This July is the true turning point for me. I’ve begun planning my great European adventure (2015) that most likely ends with me settling in London for 6 months (or more?). To help me save up, I’ve decided to do Dry July for myself. Plus, I’m hitting the gym often and feeling pretty good. Picked up my new glasses today, and everything feels like it’s heading in the right direction.

Those nights when you end up talking to an old friend and she’s wonderful and you end up flirting and wondering how it hasn’t happened earlier.

Ugh. Who am I.

There’s not much worse than when good friends unknowingly set off my anxiety. Especially when they’re just trying to be kind and involve me. Ugh. But now I’m having a bit of a panic attack in bed, when I have to be up in fucking 6 hours (before a 16 hour round trip of getting to/from work, and working).

Kill me.

I really hate when I come across those checklists of signs and symptoms of depression, and knowing that as always I tick almost every box. Not quite good motivation I guess.

On a side note, I’ve been contemplating going on meds again. My doctor had me on these meds that had small anti-depressant qualities, but mostly helped balance the anxiety and regulate my sleep. Something to do with stabilising my melatonin levels. Except I couldn’t afford them anymore ($80 a month). But now I will be able to? I don’t know.

I can’t wait to get my first pay so that I actually have the option though.

The job trial today went well! So uh, yeah. I have a job! :D

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME. 22 feels old and all… adult.

At midday today, I finally have a job interview for the perfect job - Fulltime bartender at one of Sydney’s best restaurants.

In sadder news, I’m clean shaven for the first time this year, in preparation for the aforementioned job interview.

I got home from the gym at 3.30am, my mood is just as good as it was when I got home yesterday morning, and I feel fantastic. Why have I only started pushing myself now?!

In other news… the date was nice. Very lovely. I’m a tiny bit concerned that the spark may not be there, but she’s a sweet and great girl.

And shiiiiit my birthday is on Monday? Heading into my old Uni, and 20 odd people are apparently rocking up for drinks?! Should be a great day!