Last night’s shift at work had me moving and working with a strength that I didn’t know existed. For the first time in god knows how long, I felt happy, and confident, and somewhat in tune with myself.
So naturally the dude I was working with began to match my energy levels, and we did all of our work really fast, singing and laughing and being general dickheads the whole shift and it was actually pretty amazing.
Also, texting someone who actually genuinely wants to get to know me and enjoys talking to me is a thrilling feeling.
Oh fuck, also I almost died. Breathed in a massive amount of sulphur which gave me a pretty nasty asthma attack. All good now.
Annnnnnd I’m out. *backflips away*
I’ve been up since 6am (it’s 4.30pm now). I start work at 6.30pm until 6.30am.
Tonight there will only be 6 of us at the entire winery.
I’m going to fall asleep at work and like fall and die in a crusher or something.
I wanna go hoooooome
Why am I so bad at life? At this rate, I won’t fucking be out of debt for a long while (hopefully by my birthday?) because I completely forgot to take things like petrol (spent more than $1000 on it this year so far) or general spending (riiiight, we need food to live… gotcha) into consideration.
Past Alex, you are a prick. I know it wasn’t entirely your fault, but you know. Could’ve made it a bit easier for me?
Oh, and it looks like my international plans will have to be put on hold. I really fucking wanted to visit America and go back to Europe before I started Uni again. That gives me one year to make the money, whilst still clawing my way out of debt.
Might cede to just domestic travel this year.
So I was trying to sleep and I couldn’t so I started meditating and after about half an hour I almost gave myself an asthma attack from shock and strain of leaping out of the depths of my mind so abruptly, but…
I just made a MAJOR breakthrough in discovering the underlying causes of my mental illnesses, memories from many many years ago that had long lay forgotten. Naturally this isn’t helping me get any sleep, but this is a big deal. Not sure how to approach this topic right now.
This is good I believe.
As I’m fully aware that I’m going bad again (slowly, though I assume that once I’m back in Sydney that I’ll recover soon enough), I decided that drinking beautiful wine (2011 Shiraz from Gemtree Vineyards; very nice) and spending far too much of my little free time reading, is the healthiest thing for me.
Ps I’m lonely and isolated as fuck out here. Sigh.
I think I’m getting bad again.
I’m having a massive panic attack because I have work in 14 hours and I’m 7 hours away and that is still lots of time! Except I don’t want to drive and I want to see her and I’m lonely and I need more down time and I don’t know. :S
I spent the night at her place last night and it was really quite wonderful and then my anxiety started creeping in slowly but then she noticed and when I tried to pull away she reached over and held my hand tight and wow.
Made cute plans for dinner with a cute girl then drinks with her (possibly cute?) friends before I came to Sydney, only to have her cancel all-of-the-above just two hours beforehand.
Why do I even bother
A not-so-well-known secret of mine is that not a day goes past without at least a fleeting thought of ending my life. It has been a long while since I was last in a deep depressive spell, and so I fear I will never get passed this stage.