The Downward Penrose

My self worth hit a new low this evening. It’s getting harder to keep my strength up.

I ran out of coke, so sat in a quiet, slowly sobering state for a while. Then said fuck it, and now I’m drinking Bacardi from the bottle.

Cannot wait to move out or travel or just spend extended time away from home. Today is a beautiful blue winters day, I’m too anxious too leave the house right now, but I’m really craving a light afternoon wine (can someone say Pinot??) and a cigarette (so much for quitting). Ugh.

I can’t even work out exactly why, but it’s really started pissing me off when girls ask me “omg this is so awkward, but are you gay?” If it’s someone I don’t care to know, I normally just say no to end that conversation, it’s so much easier.

If a guy asked me it would be different, but when a girl does it, 80% of the time it’s just her seeing me occasionally be effeminate or notice something “masculine guys” shouldn’t and her wanting a gay friend to take shopping. That’s it.

I dunno. The general public kinda pisses me off a lot.

Today I broke my caffeine record whilst doing a coffee art class. It was drink it or sink it.

I have to wake up for a semi final soon but I’m still wide awake and like, dancing to myself. God dammit.

The thing that’s affected me the most from the passing of Robin Williams is that someone who has been fighting this illness his entire life could make it to 60 and still succumb to it. I’ve been struggling with my own depression for 8 or so years now, and to think that it’s completely possible that I’ll never get over it at all… it’s crushing. It removes hope. I feel oddly empty.

Like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

Ahhhahahahah i completely forgot about the other night when I was out and we were all dancing and drinking at a club and this giant American bloke (pretty sure he was a backpacker, maybe late 20s?) started grinding up against my friend really aggressively with his head right in her face.

She looked majorly freaked out so I winked at her, and approached the dude and started grinding on him from behind. 

Seriously, this dude was just about ready to kill me, so I ended it with a grand “learn some boundaries, kid”, grabbed my friends hand, and we just kept on dancing. 

penrosed-down:

I am currently buzzing with a little excitement. I finally took the first step to reenrolling in university for next year. I wasn’t even sure that I was quite ready, but it just feels right. Ahhhh yes so happy with this decision.

Just got an email back saying that my original email had been forwarded to the right people. Oh my god this is happening v quickly. Nervous and excited.

I am currently buzzing with a little excitement. I finally took the first step to reenrolling in university for next year. I wasn’t even sure that I was quite ready, but it just feels right. Ahhhh yes so happy with this decision.

Boom. Fired. Unemployed again. Not impressed.