The Downward Penrose

I’m feeling lonely and empty and like I really want to have company and companionship and all that other gross stuff. Ew.

I just teared up at 9am on a Wednesday morning, upon discovering that Malta, a highly Catholic and very conservative country (and where I’m from) has passed same-sex unions.

And Australia, the land of opportunity? Backward as ever.

Mum just politely and completely naturally brought up that I really should move away from shift work for the sake of my depression (ie get into a proper routine etc). Like… she said it in a completely non-judgmental and honestly trying-to-help tone (and god knows she’s right).

WHAT IS HAPPENING?! She’s really matured and grown in her opinion and thoughts on both mine and my sister’s mental health. It’s actually quite incredible.

Also, I’ve been unmedicated for over three months now. Uh, wow. And I guess I’m going pretty well considering!

I’ve only been in Sydney for what, four days? And already I may have a fulltime job lined up. More details to come.

For some reason, my anxiety isn’t killing me about this (yet). So that’s good? And the thought of a fulltime job is somehow exciting me? 

WHO AM I.

I am sick of this anxious knot constantly sitting in my gut and throat. I am going to take control of my life.

This week I will get a tattoo (no spoilers!), start going to the gym again, decide a direction in which to take my year, and hopefully make it back out to Griffith for one last night out this weekend.

Deeeeeep breaths, one step at a time.

The story of my return home.

This has really been one of the most stressful and draining weekends of my life. It has left me feeling empty, I left some incredibly amazing new friends with naught but a texted goodbye. 

Last week, I was rostered to work on the Saturday night. However it was also to be the last time I saw about half a dozen of the guys I had been working with for 3 months, and I was mentally drained from the hours I had been working. So I called in sick, claimed food poisoning from Chinese food the night before (happens to me often enough anyway), and went out that night.

I got found out, and everyone had a good laugh at my expense for the next two days, The supervisor that I screwed over by not being there had forgiven me within half an hour, as I worked twice as hard every hour since.

The girl whose house I was living in though, and whose family owns the company, took it far more personally than I could have ever predicted. She did not look at me nor speak to me a single time since, and then finally, via text message, told me to have my stuff out of her house. She messaged me at about 8pm on Thursday night. Wanted me out before she woke up in the morning.

This left me, working night shift, absolutely fucked. I had nowhere to stay that didn’t leave me on a couch to sleep during the fucking day. 

And so I left work early, went to go pack. I was angry and emotional. I was leaving my new life behind in the space of not even an hour. I was leaving my new friends, these amazing people who have changed my life, and who I may well never see again.

As I packed, I stopped caring. I came across some packaging from something I’d bought, empty shampoo bottle, the like. Normally I’d bin it easily enough, but considering it was now 10pm and I was being kicked out with not so much as a goodbye from a supposed good friend, I just left it.

This friend, still claiming some upper-ground that I couldn’t see from being kicked out at that hour whilst being 7 hours from home, then wrote on my facebook wall publicly shaming and mocking me for leaving a mess, being disrespectful, and then she used my expensive towel that my mother bought me (and I stupidly left behind) and told me using colourful phrasing how she used it to “mop up the waste”. 

I seriously do not understand how it is possible for an overreaction of this level to happen. By no means am I saying I did the right thing at any point here, but I had my reasons and I STILL stand by them. 

And now I am at a point where I don’t know what to do.

And there’s my rant, apologies for wall of text (still on mobile).

So after three months without my computer, I’ve finally manage to bring it back to life. Firstly, I’m awesome. Secondly, I have lost about 800GB of movies and tv shows, every game that was on my computer, my most updated resumé, and some (luckily thanks to facebook not many) photos.

Gah. Plus side I guess is that it works? Also, in case people missed it, I’m back home in Sydney. Woo :\

I woke up slightly fuzzy from having a few drinks after work at the pub, standard. I hit play on my phone just to have some music going, and Part of Your World from The Little Mermaid comes on and I don’t even have that on my phone, so intoxicated-Alex looked it up and listened to it as he fell asleep.

If you don’t think I’m awesome, you’re wrong.

There’s a pub out here in central NSW that opens specifically for nightshift workers. It is amazing.

After work we went to the pub, and now it’s 9am on the morning of my night off. I have a drink in hand, some baked beans, and I’m relaxing in bed.

This will be a good night off.

(Hurrah for fake positivity!!)